I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
