based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
