Tell her she can't have a vagina
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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