dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
