i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
