There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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