I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
