bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
