I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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