We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
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