So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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