I wish I could punch you in the face.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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