Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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