I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I pour the whiskey from now on
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
