i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
