Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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