My boss' voice literally gives me gas
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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