when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
