he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
