She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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