i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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