someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
