Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
