Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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