Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
