god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
