I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
