Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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