You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
