There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize