I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
