I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
