I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
