i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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