dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
