im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
