If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
