During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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