if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
