Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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