We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
