I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
