it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
