Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
