You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
