bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I deserve this hangover.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
