just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
