I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
