chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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