i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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