Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
