is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
